what i don’t understand is that i am cute and i’m smart and nice and funny so why don’t people want to date me?
i’m not saying it to be arrogant, i’m saying it because it really does fuck with my head. i’m not the prettiest in the world nor am i a genius or a saint or a stand up comedian, but i’m not deficient in any of those categories and those are like the most important things (not in that order) that i look for in a person when i think about dating them.
is it because i’m secretly (not so secretly) weird? is it because i don’t like people?
once i had a friend tell me that he’d heard from sources that he wouldn’t reveal that it’s “because i don’t give off the impression that i’m looking for someone.” what does that even fucking mean, though? like, i don’t go making out with everything that moves so i must not be looking for a boyfriend? i don’t go out and party every weekend, so i must not be looking for a boyfriend? i quietly sit hating the world, so i must be content to do that alone, right? well, maybe the last one does make sense, but come on. this is who i am and i’m not going to change how i act simply because i “don’t give off the impression that i’m looking for someone,” especially when i don’t even know what the fuck that means.
maybe i just don’t give off the impression that i’m looking for someone like whoever told my friend that. listen, i’ll be the first to admit it: i have high standards. i’m looking for a good guy, here—my kind of prince charming. that doesn’t mean he has to be perfect or prim and proper or whatever, but yeah, he does have to be a lot of things. i’d be lying to myself if i said i would date anyone who didn’t reach a certain level of intelligence, niceness, funniness and attractiveness and honestly fuck everyone who has told me that my standards are too high. maybe they bar me from having as many relationships as “normal” people do, but they also keep me from dating people i don’t want to date. i know almost right away whether or not i actually want to date someone simply based on how they rank in each of those categories. i’m open to letting people surprise me a little, but generally, i’m not going to waste my time just because i do want to be in a relationship. i know i sound like a total bitch right now, but i’m sorry, i don’t want to date someone who isn’t smart and funny and nice and cute. those things are important to me.
okay, so maybe i started this wrong. there are people who want to date me. but they either don’t make themselves known so i can’t make a judgment call or i’ve tried and don’t want to date them. or i just kind of know that i don’t want to date them.
that being said, i am lonely. i am. and sometimes, like now, i think about it and it totally sucks, but i’m not going to compromise other things that are more important to me just so i can have some tool who i don’t even like that much spend time with me. i’m constantly wondering where all the boys like the ones in the movies are and where i can find them or if hollywood just made them up. i’m starting to lean toward the latter.